Our company will celebrate its 30th anniversary next month!
There will be a company-wide picnic held at the Gasworks park;
more details to follow. On a more serious note, I'd like to
put an end to a rumor I've heard circulating lately. Our building
was NEVER used for biological warfare experiments by the U.S.
Army. This structure, known as the Donner building before
it was purchased by WynTech, was owned by a research group
called Future Physics. Their experiments were primarily in
the area of electromagnetic fields. There is no truth to the
rumor that there are deadly hemorrhagic fever viruses contained
in the basement, and there are NO, repeat NO mutated salamanders
in the water system.
Thank you,
Aileen Wooley, HR
We are proud to announce that WynTech will now be giving one
quarter of one cent for every thousand dollars net profit
made on the drug Urethroset to the International Save the
Gum Slug Foundation. When we discovered that our harvesting
of the South American Yellow Gum Tree was destroying the little
gastropods' homes, we did the only honorable thing we could.
The slugs will be safely relocated to the Black Gum Forests
of Australia, which I'm sure they will find very similar to
their old home.
Clarence Starkweather, Finance
We won!
If you haven't heard the good news yet, WynTech won the lawsuit
brought against us by Mrs. Fionnula Jeter regarding our Slimoril
diet aid. We successfully proved in a court of law that;
1. Slimoril did not cause Mrs. Jeter's liver to shut down--that
was caused by excessive consumption of mouthwash;
2. Slimoril did not cause Mrs. Jeter to go blind--that was
caused by reading in front of a color TV;
3. Mrs. Jeter's hair was blue before she even began taking
the product.
Congratulations to the WynTech law team for once again vindicating
a perfectly harmless product. To celebrate our victory, Slimoril
will be available in the company store for half price all
this week.
Andrei Carboni, Legal Service
Good news all! Sales of our new anti-inflammatory Furo 616
have reached a record-breaking high. Under its commercial
name of Swell-Eze, this product is our best seller since Itch-Owt.
Congratulations, everybody! In addition, sales of our new
anti-depressant HHJJ 13 are climbing steadily, despite the
lawsuits. Andrei C. in Marketing assures me that the litigants
don't have a leg to stand on. Good job, everyone!
Des Nilsen, Sales Management
Due to pressure from various animal rights groups, WynTech
will officially end all animal testing on the first of next
month. Sadly, this will result in our having to let several
employees go. There will be a farewell party for Dr. Fritz
"Rhesus" Haarmann in the fourth floor conference
room next Friday at noon.
Joe Kallinger
As you all know, the WynTech building just celebrated its
fiftieth birthday. Our grand old girl is in good shape, but
it turns out she needs a little facelift. The rear entrances
will all be closed for the next three weeks so that we can
repaint, re-tile and generally spiff up that whole area. Sorry
for the inconvenience, but it'll be worth it in the long run
when we have a building that puts the rest of the warehouse
district to shame!
Thank you
Aileen Wooley, HR
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